7 tips for talking to your autistic teenager about dating

Dating has the potential to be a fun and rewarding part of your autistic teenager’s life, but it can also be challenging at times. If your teen has trouble reading social cues and communicating then they may find dating stressful or confusing and possibly daunting.

Feeling nervous about your teen starting to date or experiencing romantic feelings is very common as a parent or carer. While this is understandable, it’s important to frame dating as a positive experience for your teen. Here are some tips for talking to your autistic teen about dating and romantic relationships.

1. Encourage open communication 

Firstly, let your teen know that they can talk to you about dating and relationships at any time. Here are our tips for encouraging open communication:

• Ask your teen open-ended questions, such as “How do you feel about the possibility of dating?” or “It sounds like dating makes you feel (excited/nervous/confused), is that right?”.
• Be genuinely interested in what your teen is telling you.
• Practise active listening by nodding and sometimes repeating back what your teen says. Try to keep your overall attitude calm and relaxed.
• Don’t feel like you always have to jump straight to solutions or fix their problems, sometimes teens just want to feel listened to. 
• Remind your teen that most people find dating challenging and that it’s not just them. 

2. Talk about attraction and romantic feelings

If your autistic teen needs some extra help in understanding their romantic feelings and navigating relationships, there are some things you can do to support them.

Try asking them if they know what attraction and romantic feelings feel like. For example, do they feel a tingly sensation in their body or think about the other person a lot? Let them know that these experiences are very common and nothing to be ashamed of. Explain that people can be attracted to the opposite sex, same-sex, or both. 

You could also ask them if they know what the other person might do if they’re interested in them, such as leaning forward while talking, laughing or asking them to hang out. Let them know that it’s also possible that these signs are just the other person being friendly, and don’t always signal romantic interest.  

Then discuss what the other person might do if they’re not interested, such as looking or turning away. These signs can be subtle and complicated, so let your teen know that it can take some practice to understand these signs. For example, explain to your teen that shy people tend to look down and avoid eye contact, it does not necessarily mean they are not interested. It is all part of a bigger picture.

3. Help your teen build their social skills

Because most teens build social skills and learn about dating while socialising with friends, it’s a good idea to encourage your teen to build and maintain positive friendships. You could suggest they join a social group based on their hobbies or interests, such as hosting a small group of friends and baking their favourite treat.

As your teen becomes more confident and comfortable socialising, they’ll probably find that dating and romantic relationships come easier as well. For some it can be a slow process, while others will find their feet as they pick up on new social cues. 

4. Discuss consent and appropriate behaviour

Consent is an important topic for your autistic teen to understand. Make sure they know that consent is explicit: which means that only ‘yes’ means ‘yes’. Consent should be asked, and someone can decide they want the sexual activity to stop at any point, even if it has already started. 

You can also encourage them to think about their own boundaries. For example, do they think they’d like to kiss or hug at the end of a date? Discuss how they might read the signals that another person is interested in them and how to ask for a kiss or hug politely. It is okay to role-play the question and response if they’re unsure and make it a lighthearted short exercise. Explain that if someone says no, you don’t insist or ask again, even if you are disappointed. 

If you think your teen may be sexually active or having opportunities for sexual activity, it’s crucial to speak to them about safe sex. Make sure they know how pregnancy and STDs happen and how to practise safe sex. If they’ve already been sexually active, visiting your teen’s doctor about related health issues is a good idea.

5. Consider role-playing dating scenarios

If your teen is open to it, try running through some dating scenarios with them such as asking someone out or going on a first date. While role-playing, you could try the following:

• Observe how your teen shows interest in you and responds non-verbally (for example, smiling, making eye contact or nodding)
• Tell them that these behaviours let the other person know that they are interested in them and what they’re saying
• Be encouraging and point out what they’re doing well
• Come up with possible conversation starters and topics
• Talk about who is appropriate to ask out, when it’s suitable to ask someone out and how you might ask someone out
• Teach them how to ask open-ended questions and show interest in the other person

If you don’t feel confident role-playing these situations yourself, you could get an occupational therapist to help. HeyHubble helps NDIS participants find their ideal providers, including quality occupational therapists. 

6. Explain what makes for respectful relationships

Encourage your teen to consider what a ‘good match’ might look like for them, and what qualities they’d like in a date or partner. You could write a list of good and bad signs in relationships and go through them with your teenager. 

Good signs in relationships can include:

• The other person listens to you and wants to make sure you feel safe and comfortable
• They are honest and kind
• The person supports you and doesn’t say things that make you feel bad

Bad signs in relationships can include:

• The person is mean to you or makes you feel bad
• The person hurts you or is controlling 
• They bully you or make you do something you’re not comfortable with

7. Help them deal with rejection and relationships ending

Talk to your teen about how common rejection is and let them know that pretty much everyone gets rejected at some point in their life. You could have a conversation about reasons why someone may not be interested in dating, such as if they’re dating someone else, busy with schoolwork or simply not interested in a relationship with you. As hard as it is, we do not always know why someone doesn’t want to date us, and sometimes we have to accept that.

It’s also worth explaining that teenage relationships can sometimes last a long time and sometimes end quickly. Let your teen know that in some cases both people agree to end the relationship, and other times only one person decides to end it. Assure them that you’ll be there for them if this happens and that it’s common to feel sad, confused or lonely afterwards. 

While dating comes with its own challenges for autistic teens, it can be an exciting part of their life. By providing support and guidance, parents and carers can help them have positive dating experiences. 

About our language

At Provider Choice, we’ve listened to feedback from the autistic community about using identity-first language when talking about autism. We acknowledge that on an individual level, this preference could be different.

Ordered Minds reviewed this article. Ordered Minds is the brainchild of self-confessed multi-passionate Celine Noort. After working in the world of education for a decade, Celine decided to open her counselling practice to support teens, young adults and parents navigating life’s complexities. Supporting teens and adults with ASD is one of her areas of expertise. 

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If you or a family member have a story to share, we’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out to our friendly team at hello@providerchoice.com.au 

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